Behind The Peace Signs

I quit football at Texas A&M Commerce not after a semester, but after 1 week. I was never able to tell anyone because I was, and still slightly am, ashamed. Not of the quitting itself, but the reason behind my decision. I was lazy. I didn’t know how to work through something to achieve what’s on the other end, so I convinced myself that this feeling was because I didn’t want to play anymore, and I couldn’t have been more wrong. I loved football more than anything in this world, and I knew I had messed up as soon as I made the decision. That decision alone led to a lot of anger and a little depression, which is why Frat Boy Bradon happened the following semester. It was almost as if I had developed a different persona to cover up how angry I was with myself. That anger slowly ate at me to the point that I would erupt (not going to give you any of those stories, maybe next time.)

When I came back from Commerce after my freshman year, there were very few real things that I knew about myself. I had just come off of a typical semester; joined a fraternity, spent 3 or 4 months partying, not caring about school and to sum it all up, being irresponsible. While I had a lot of fun, I didn’t learn anything. Not in school, not about who I am, nothing. All I knew was that I had to find a way to play football again. I began working at Elite and Pizza Hut, going to school at TCC, and training myself to be able to walk on at a school the following Spring semester. Needless to say, I spent a lot of time alone with my thoughts. I slowly began to figure out who I was and what I wanted to do with my life. I started to develop my core values and figure out what I believed in. My morals started getting stronger and quickly became the pivotal point of my decision making. While all these characteristics were developing, I was still dealing with anger at myself for my poor decision making and I was convinced that I had to go to school and play football. I knew that was the only way that I would be able to feel better. So, I kept going to school at TCC, training myself and putting an emphasis on playing college football.

I remember when it all changed. My whole perspective on life, who I was, and what was important to me. It was June of 2016 and my grandpa, who I hadn’t seen in years, came to visit from Arizona. He is one of the most peaceful people I have come across and not to mention, quite the Hippy. I came home from working at the gym, tired as hell of course, and just wanted to sit down on my back porch and relax. He came out to join me, and we just started talking. We talked about my job, what I wanted to do, and I told him everything about my freshman year and confessed my anger with myself to him. He then replied with something that I truly took to heart; “You will always regret this decision, but anger is just a secondary emotion to cover up something deeper.” He then said, “Ask yourself, are you upset with yourself, or more so with how other people will view you after knowing this about you? People will always judge you, form opinions of you without the full picture, and attempt to shake your peace. The minute you let something outside affect how you feel about yourself inside, you are not being your genuine self. And what’s living if you’re not being yourself?” These words, along with my few years of figuring out who I am, brought me peace.

I recognize how young I am. I understand there are things that I don’t know and I have an infinite amount of experiences ahead of me. But I do know this; inner peace is the most freeing feeling there is. There is no greater feeling than being happy with who you are and what characteristics you have acquired throughout life and I feel I am in a position to help people experience that same freeing sensation. Be yourself, and throw up some Peace Signs.

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