Healing is No Joke

I wrote this entry about healing on my Facebook page on February 28, 2020. I like to post stuff like this on my social media pages (along with other, lighter, more fun things) because they get organized into memories that remind me how far how I’ve come in this journey.

There is no context. That’s not how trauma and PTSD and CPTSD work, anyway — they don’t care about context. THERE IS NO CONTEXT TO THE SYMPTOMS. And that’s part of what makes PTSD and CPTSD *terrible* to live with.

Before I did my PTSD Remediation work in July 2020, I was having upwards of two to three very large triggers a week. Granted, I was working through a ton of stuff — recent divorce from a toxic (to both of us) relationship, meeting my now-husband, moving jobs and homes. Grief that activated my trauma. Digging into the deepest parts of myself to heal.

If you are in this place of pain, it DOES get better. There is NO WAY EXCEPT THROUGH. You can do this.

The *great* part about reading this entry is — as I said earlier — seeing how far I’ve come. NO PTSD triggers. NO PTSD symptoms. This helps *A TON* with digging through the underlying trauma responses and past grief to integrate all of the parts of myself.

This is literally why I do what I do.

********

February 28, 2020

Healing is no joke.

Day 2 of Really Big Triggers. Weird dreams, emotional flashbacks. Feeling every age I’ve been, every hurt and heartbreak, feeling the pain course through my veins. I hit a wall with my fist — I’ve never done that before; I hit it with the meaty side of my fist, the side that looks like a footprint when dipped in paint and stamped onto paper, with little dots along the top for toes. I hit the wall as the rage filled me up, the rage that had nowhere to go for so long, not violence. Energy. I learned how to hit like that, with the meaty part of my hand, in a self-defense class. My instructor also had ptsd, and he said, “Make noise! Be…

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