When You Hand Someone a Silver Platter and All They See is Scraps

Generosity feels good. Until the receiver doesn’t see it as generous. What hurts even more is when the receiver looks at the gift and questions, “That’s it?”

I’ve been on both ends: the generous giver and the ungrateful receiver.

I once offered a job to a friend who was struggling. She wanted to try something different and needed some extra cash. I created a position for her with my business and offered her an hourly rate that was far above her experience and education. I knew it would be a huge sacrifice for me to pay her so much, but I wanted to offer as much support as I could.

Her response shocked me. She was disappointed with the pay. She knew how much I made as a therapist, and thought I should therefor be paying her closer to what I made.

It also felt awful. I went above and beyond to be generous and my silver platter was seen as scraps.

Over time, the therapist in me was able to step back and psychoanalyze the situation. The individual was in a stressful period (when you’re stressed it’s hard to see and connect with others) and didn’t genuinely understand the amount of education, life experience, effort, and financial investment it took for me to get to where I am in my private practice.

She also did not understand that what I charge for a therapy session is not the same as an hourly wage. Therapy session fees are the only income I receive, even though I work more hours outside the therapy room than in it (educating myself, preparing for sessions, cleaning the space, taking therapy notes, interacting with potential clients, maintaining marketing, and more).

In her stressed state, she simply was not able to understand me on that level. It hurt. I had to hold the pain and relationship strain until she could step out of her own pain and truly see me.

It needed time. This is often what it takes when there are large hurts around generosity. I know this because I’ve also been on the side of being an ungrateful receiver full of…

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