A Plea to Help Constipation

The inability to poop is a harbinger of all things shitty. No pun intended.

My body has endured irreparable damage from growing two humans then vacating them after they’ve forced all my organs to rearrange. But this post isn’t just for the mommies who feel the hurt the unwelcome occupancy of perpetual hemorrhoid pain. This post is for all those who, while headed to your date, meeting, or important encounter feel the calling of your confused rectum.

The pain of needing to poop is depicted in countless movies as some silly challenge towards exposing vulnerability towards a potential mate or betterment of a nonetheless sticky situation. But the truth is that it hurts. This matter of needing to poo is only the beginning of a steamroll into all things bad-mood-worthy. You think that hangry is a problem? Try constipation. You can’t move, can’t eat, can’t sleep.

I haven’t even begun to dig into the complexity that hemorrhoids bring to the party. That’s for another time. Right now, pooping should top the list of self-care. Poop regularly for a happy life.

(that gummy candy that gets stuck in your teeth and makes you wonder why you’re even trying)

Be just like all those yoga pant athleisure wearing ladies carrying overly expensive water bottles. Yours should say please poo please, but faux marble shall suffice.

I thought my husband was joking the first time he specifically requested the Cottonelle rolls with aloe. Now I know better.

Some might opt for a Poopouri or Febreeze. I think it’s nice to light a candle and dream of the next indulgence you’re going to overeat.

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