Mindful Intention

It is the time of the year-when we often times reflect on what the year has given to us, where we have gone, our personal progression, our achievement, etc. As every day-we had the chance to grow, to learn, to love, to hate, to experience-and with every decision that was made- to form what our lives would become. Currently being 22, about to graduate college-and enter the job market before entering graduate school- I find myself reflecting more than ever-as this time simply feels more dynamic and critical-filled with decisions that often time feel as if you are in a forest with 9 paths all twisting around with branches shooting at every direction- and its dark-and you realize that the flashlight you were told would work suddenly runs out of batteries-and you find yourself relying on instinct and solely your own judgement to navigate through this journey-this journey of developing what your life will be. Asking yourself with pure intuition

It’s funny really-I remember when I was younger watching movies about people navigating their 20s and how sporadic their decisions were-how lost but somehow put together their lives seemed-and as I sit in my apartment with my housemates-sitting in a house we built together but all truly cannot fully afford-I can’t help but laugh as I realize those people are now us.

Reflecting on this year I found myself at a crossroads. I was on paper the most together and cohesive I had ever been-I was working 2 jobs within my field while in school Full-Time finishing my Bachelor’s in Neuroscience. I was gaining the “real world” experience I believed I would need for what I wanted to do. It isn’t however until I sat down and spoke with a physician that I work closely with as well as mentors that I hold dearly- that I realized that Yes, perhaps I was checking all of the boxes and crossing all the t’s but I-as a human and a being-did not feel like I was experiencing. I was making the jokes and interacting-going to lunches and networking away. But when I stopped and thought I realized I felt like a drone simply going through the motions-I was convincing myself that I was happy because I was finally in the position I wanted to be. But a voice in the back of my head was continuously and incessantly asking myself what was wrong with me- why was I not in my element-was this not my element? I was being told how on top of it I was constantly managing what was given to be with “grace” But I felt frazzled and confused and simply the opposite of what I was portraying myself to be. Was this burnout?

This drone feeling went on for a few months as I found myself more and more dissatisfied- not with the work but with myself. By nature I as a Type A individual need to feel as if I am functioning efficiently and with clarity- and suddenly I felt as if I had lost that. My schedules had went out the door I was getting less than 4 hours of sleep a night-and could not stop asking myself again-WHAT was happening.

You see, from the time I woke up to the time I went to bed every single day that I was working, or studying, and the only time I broke was to eat. That was my life that I had built for myself. I lacked a sense of balance and meaning as I myself had been living a life without a meaning to the self. With a feeling of blind following without intention. Through this grind mindset I realized I had lost the things important to me. I had stopped experiencing music, stopped creating art, stopped photography, stopped writing, stopped spending time with family and friends, and had simply isolated myself. After all in the algorithm of my mind I was most concerned with the pay off-what would yield the best results-but funny enough I was not thinking of myself and what felt good to my soul but instead what would make me look the best to an outsider. I was lost in the facade.

Thus, with a few midlife crisis moments and a lot of late night thinking I began to gain a sense of clarity- gaining an understanding that I had not been exercising mindfulness or even keeping my goals in mind. I was concerned with being the perfect resume, the perfect candidate, that I realized I had not been feeding my passion, my mind, my body, or my spirit. I had lost site of my goals and quite honestly lost myself in the quest for perfection.

Thus with this epiphany in the works- the goals and the life I intend to live this year will be based on the idea of Mindful Intention. Of course-easier said than done-but With Challenge Comes Change As a perfect life to me is through experience not through structural building of perfection. In the web chart diagram of this year(if you think there is not an actual hard copy in the works you would be mistaken) being mindful in my decisions in my life is incredibly important.

We know, our time on this Earth is limited, and without experience are we even really alive or are we just on the conveyor belt living? When I die and leave this Earth I find it incredibly important to have touched lives, made meaningful change, and our ends can come at any time. Having had a very important person to me pass this year I realize-Why wait for the perfect time? There will never be a perfect time to start living.

This year through this concept I hope to find more genuine interaction and touch more lives with love and spirit. Asking myself before I act “Why” as opposed to doing because it is what I “Should be Doing”

Here is to a year of feeling alive and reclaiming myself. To a year of awareness, social chance, and advocacy.

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